Getting back to the point

On my very first day of yoga school we were asked the question "what it is yoga"? Besides its literal translation of meaning to yolk and to bind, what resonated with me was when my teacher Jasmine described yoga as a way of always returning back to the point.

You may ask returning from where and to what point? To me, that point is one's center of being. I know that for me, I so often get swept up in the storms of life's happenings. Recently, that has been being pregnant, having a baby, taking care of a baby, not sleeping, sleep deprivation, stressing over a messy apartment, dirty dishes and accumulating dust; worrying about money, worrying about saving money for baby, and so on and so forth. Life happening. Yoga is about returning from those storms to a place where things settle and we find a moment of clarity.

My favorite yoga sutra is atha yoganushasanam, it translates to now begins the study and practice of yoga. When is now? Well, it's now! It's always now, meaning that we can always come back to the beginning, no matter how far you may wander, now is always a great time to get back to the point.

Today I rolled out my mat and practiced some asana (yoga poses) for an hour. It has been a while since I have properly carved out some real time to do what I would consider a proper yoga class sequence. And it felt grrreat!

I've always had trouble committing to a home practice (yoginimama my ass I hear you say)! Well it's the truth, even during yoga school, when I was eating and sleeping yoga, I found it hard to commit to it. ND has been pretty consistently sleeping a solid 3 hours every day in the late morning. And I've kept saying to myself this would be a great time to get some yoga in. Well I finally cut the rope connecting me to that huge stone of inertia and got my yoga on.

Getting back on the mat is now more crucial to me than ever before. And I don't have the luxury of going to my favorite teachers' classes. This is the true test of my relationship with this practice that I regard as essential to my well being. I had always wanted to get my teacher training before having my first child. And as life happened I did get to have it that way. So I have the tools to be my own teacher. Now is the time to really develop my own practice. The challenge is exciting but scary and feels lonely, as up until now I've preferred to be in the classroom with other students being lead and inspired by awesome teachers. How do I draw up that same kind of energy in my living room?

Now begins the study and practice of Yoga.

My Birth Story

This is the story of the birth of my son, Noah Dacres, on April 4th 2012.

I had a blessing ceremony where my closest friends brought beads for me to string together and stories to share about the strength of women in their lives. The necklace and the stories it represented were going to be one of my cornerstones of strength during my labor. But at 37 weeks I hadn’t yet strung the beads together. I also hadn’t yet created my playlist that I was planning to play during labor while my husband and I used the labor positions we learned in our home birthing class. I was going to light candles, burn incense. I was thinking I might even Om my way to the last moment.

But, alas, things rarely go as planned...

Let me begin on Sunday, April 1st. It was the first day of my 37th week. I woke up that morning feeling extremely "ripe". It was the day of our baby shower and I was drained before the day had even begun. It was that morning that I knew for sure there was no way I was making it to 40 weeks.

On Monday I went to my prenatal class and finally took up my teacher’s offer to stay and help out with the Mom and Baby class. So I stayed and held some babies as their moms got their yoga on. Holding the babies got me excited that I’d be holding my own little munchkin too very soon. Being around those babies probably got my oxytocin levels up.

On Tuesday I had lunch with a friend despite feeling extremely sluggish. It was a beautiful day in San Francisco, and after our lunch I walked up Market Street, got a soft serve ice cream from Super Duper and popped into Walgreens to get the baby thermometer - the last remaining item on our list of things to get for the delivery.

Morning of the birth.
I happen to take a picture of my ripe belly.

Wednesday. My friend D was flying in to visit from Hong Kong. I had just gotten my driver’s license 5 days prior and was not ready to drive all the way to the airport on my own. So we agreed that she'd take the BART to the Oakland downtown station where I'd pick her up. I used the morning to prep her room and “nest” a bit more. I emailed Tenaya, the midwife with whom I was renting my birthing tub from to arrange delivery that coming weekend. I wrote on my blog and had some lunch.

At 1pm D texted to tell me she had landed. I told her to text again when she was on the BART. I decided that I probably had a good hour before I had to go pick her up, so I went to lie down. It was about 130pm when I heard a pop. It took me by complete surprise. Oh no oh no oh no... Was my immediate reaction. I sat up and looked between my legs... wasn’t there supposed to be gushing liquid? Couldn’t be my water breaking... Just then I felt an immense amount of pressure around my cervix. The pain subsided rather quickly and I got up and went to the bathroom. It was still hurting as I tried to pee, I wanted to pee, but couldn't. Eventually I peed a bit. When I looked in the toilet there was some pinkish color amid some substance I assumed to be my mucus plug. I knew for sure that this was it.

I paged the emergency number for my midwives, called my husband and texted my girlfriend. Our midwife Nancy called me back and I told her what had happened and she told me to put on a pad and lie down again for 20 minutes, after which I should get up, dance around, and see how much liquid the pad soaked up. I did as told. A friend in New York happened to call and I excitedly told her that my water just broke. I was laughing and telling her that I couldn’t believe this was all happening already. I checked my email on my phone and got an email from Tenaya saying she could deliver the tub that evening if I wanted, I replied and told her that was probably a good idea as I thought my water had broke!

When I got up and pulled my pants down to check my pad a steady flow of liquid streamed out of me. I ran to the bathroom in attempt to stop the amniotic fluid from getting everywhere. I called Nancy back and told her what had happened. She asked me if I was having contractions yet, and I told her I thought I was but that they weren't intense, and there was no noticeable pattern yet. She told me to call her back when they got more regular or when they were following the 411 pattern (4 minutes in between, lasting 1 minute for 1 hour). I had been so curious to feel an actual contraction. The first real noticeable one felt like–well like my uterus contracting. I even said out loud to my dog, “So this is what it feels like!”

My contractions quickly started getting more intense. I was on my hands and knees on the floor and then had to lean on the bed and breathe through them. I noticed that they were getting more regular so I decided to start timing them. The first one I started timing lasted over a minute. Within 12 minutes I had 4 contractions. Things were moving quickly. I called Nancy again and had a contraction while on the phone with her. This one wasn't as strong so I was able to talk through it. She told me they were wrapping up a meeting and they'd be coming over after. She told me I was doing great and to keep breathing through the contractions. This was at 2:30–an hour after my water had broken–active labor was in full swing.

In the next 20 minutes things started getting really intense. The contractions were coming on so strongly that I needed to yell out in pain through them. I don't really remember what I did, I think I may have tried some different poses to labor in, but nothing was cutting me any slack. At 2:50pm R called me as I was having a contraction and I had to drop the phone and yell out in pain. At 2:52pm I called Nancy and all I could muster was "there's no breaks". And there weren't any, the contractions were hitting one after the next. I was being slammed down repeatedly by wave after wave, unable to come up for air. Nancy assured me they were on their way and instructed me to get in the shower while I waited for them.

I crawled my way into the bathroom, I was slow getting there. My dog watched and sniffed me as I writhed and screamed the long 15-20ft to the bathroom. I tried to sit on the toilet, remembering that lots of women like to labor there. I did not. It was not helping me at all. Sitting there it suddenly came to my mind that if I were in a hospital and someone offered me drugs that I would take them in a heartbeat. It hurt. It hurt like all hell. This was not what I had expected. I thought to myself that there was no way in hell that I’d ever to this again. One child would just have to do.

I peeled my clothes off and crawled into the shower. But the shower wasn't helping either. What happened to the soothing effects of warm water? Why was nothing helping me? I tried getting into different positions on the shower floor. Nothing felt good, nothing eased the pain.

R and D got home soon after 3. They found me screaming in the shower. I could hardly speak, but wanted to get out of the shower since it wasn't helping. It was such a struggle to simply relay this request to my husband. But I did and he helped me crawl on to the bathroom floor where he covered me in my bathrobe as I lay on my side screaming through the contractions. R sat next to me trying to relax me. I tried to get on hands and knees but my arms got too shaky. So I lay back down. I was scared. Everything was happening so rapidly. I was relieved that R was home now but I wanted, needed, the midwives. R assured me they'd be here soon.

The midwives arrived and seeing Nancy's face was a huge relief, she got down on the floor so that she could be eye level with me when she spoke to me. She encouraged me to make my screams low pitch, she held my hand. I felt safe as soon as she got there. I remember looking at her, with probably utter terror on my face, and telling her that it really hurt. And she looked at me with complete empathy and said,  "I know it does, you're doing great". They stayed with me and encouraged me during the contractions. Having the support around me gave me strength. I was in the thick of it, and there was no backing out. I knew the only way to move was forward. I thought of my grandmothers and all the women before me who had walked this path. I asked them for strength. I prayed. Something which I wasn't expecting to do. But I sought God out like I never have before. At one point I started yelling "yes". I knew I had to welcome the contractions to let my body open and saying yes prevented my mind from recoiling away in fear. Everyone said yes with me.

Nancy told me she was going to do an internal exam. And when she did it hurt so much I screamed out. She did it quickly–I was 9 centimeters dilated. During one of my contractions she asked me if I was bearing down, but I didn't know. She said it looked like I was ready to push. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't even 2 hours since my water broke. She and Sasha, the apprentice midwife, prepped our bed and told us to make our way over to the bed. I began to crawl over with R, stopping each time a contraction took hold of my body. We got on the bed and again I tried all fours but again it wasn't helping so I got on my back.

The breaks between my contractions got longer, which is normal during the pushing stage. The breaks were much welcomed and I let myself fully rest in between the pushing. When a contraction came I could feel it beginning at the top of my uterus and rippling down, I pushed with each one. The contractions were different from how they were previously. At first I was vocalizing a lot, but Nancy told me to use that energy to bear down. My sounds became low pitched deep rumbles and roars. It took every ounce of energy I had to push. I kept thinking about the baby, talking to him in my mind that we could do this together. Thinking about him made me stay calm, I didn't want my fear or panic to adversely affect him. I knew that a stressed mama made a stressed baby. I kept my eyes closed the entire time to stay focused within. At the same time I was acutely aware of everything happening around me. I remember Nancy on the phone with Tenaya, who also turned out to be the assissting midwife. Nancy told her to forget the tub - there was so time. At some point Tenaya came over but as I had my eyes shut the whole time I didn’t actually see her till after the birth.

I wanted to lie on my side but each time I was the baby’s heart rate went down, so I had to remain on my back. I kept a tight fist pressed against my sacrum as I just needed to have pressure there. My other hand would thrust down on the top of my thigh with each push. I was so overcome by the intensity of the experience that I couldn’t relax my legs open, I kept wanting to draw my knees together, especially when the urge to push came upon me. Nancy advised me to push my foot into her thigh, that helped a lot. I think my other leg was pushing against Sasha but I’m not sure. On the one hand I was scared and wanted to retreat and not push so hard but on the other I knew that this was it and that the only way for it to end was for the baby to come out, so with each contraction I revved up all the energy I had and pushed as hard as I could, visualizing the baby moving down. I considered getting up and squatting to let gravity aid in the baby’s descent. But the thought of moving again seemed a highly improbable feat. So I stayed as I was. In between the contractions I fully rested, while R dabbed my forehead with a cold towel.

I pushed for an hour and a half. I simply cannot express how amazing Nancy and Sasha were. With each push, they’d say, “Yes Nicola, that’s the way, you’re doing great”, or “You moved that baby down so much with that push, amazing!” At one point Nancy asked me if I wanted to reach in and touch the baby’s head, I  shook my head. For some reason at that moment I just couldn’t do anything other than what I was already doing.  When I could actually feel the baby in the birth canal I knew I was close. I was prepping myself for the “ring of fire”  sensation for when the baby crowns. I tried using our birthing class instructor’s mantra of “ring of water” in effort to soften the sensation. I can only describe those last moments as super intense. You don’t feel the baby in your uterus, but you feel it in your vagina, every bump and curve of its body. My pushing became more intense, I wanted the baby out and I didn’t care if I pooped or tore, I was actually pretty sure that I would tear, I was just going to push like crazy. I felt the crowning and had to wait for another contraction to push again, it might have taken one or two more contractions to get him out, I can’t remember. I thought once the head was out he would just slide out but pushing the body out hurt too.

Saying our first hellos.

But then, right before 5pm, he was out. And I heard his cry and everything–all the pain, all that intensity just vanished. There was a baby on my chest covered in the cheesy vernix. I finally got to meet the little person I’d been holding inside all these months. He was so tiny, so precious. It was several moments till I realized I still didn’t know if he was a girl or boy so I asked the midwives. They said I should check, so I did. Our gut instincts had been right all along, we had a son.

Everything after that was simply blissful. I had to birth the placenta which took no more than a mini push and a cough. We were given alone time with our baby boy. We held him and stared at him in amazement. I brought him to my nipple and he found his first latch. Nancy and Sasha came in and checked me. I had a one inch laceration on my labia, I had a few stitches. But my perineum was intact. R cut the cord. They did all the baby checks. Sasha guided me to my first pee (kinda hard to do after giving birth). They stayed maybe 3 hours after making sure we were all okay.

Skin-to-skin bonding with Dad.

It’s been 12 weeks already since that magical day. The amnesia that follows is pretty amazing. I don’t recall the pain anymore, just my reaction to the pain. I know at the time I vowed never to do it again. But I know now that I would definitely do it all over again. I am so grateful that I was able to have a home birth. Even if it wasn’t the one I had envisioned it to be. It was still the most amazing experience of my life. I’m also so grateful that I didn’t have the temptation of pain medication and that I had the support around me that I did.

I came across this from the article The Transcendent Quality of Pain in Childbirth by Karen Fisk from our birthing class handouts:

...pain researcher David Bakan, suggests that labor pain is necessary as the only thing "that can make tolerable the otherwise intolerable separation of ... a woman from her baby." David Bakan, Disease Pain, and Sacrifice: Toward a Psychology of Suffering (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1968).

Snuggling up for our first night together.

It rings so true for me. I had thought that I’d miss having the baby be part of me. That having him be a separate entity from me would be somewhat heartbreaking. But the experience of labor was the exact transition that I needed from being a pregnant woman to becoming a mother. I am in awe of the power of nature and its innate wisdom.

The past three months have been a whirlwind of amazement, joy, desperation and exhaustion. I’ll say it flat out - it ain’t easy! But I truly believe that the process of labor and birth is our rite of passage as women to become the fearless warriors that we need to be to mother our children.

Lastly, a few words on my partner. I spent a lot of time in my pregnancy freaking out over whether or not he would know what to do during labor. He had barely touched The Birthing Partner that’d I’d given him early on in the pregnancy. But he absolutely came through for me. And I feel so blessed that we were able to share this experience together. From the beginning he trusted me to go the home birth route, despite his initial reservations. All along he supported my choices and wanted me to have the birth I wanted. He came with me to the prenatal partners class and the home birthing classes. And at the birth he was amazing. Post birth too, truly caring for me and the baby. Nothing has ever bonded us or made us closer.

Cocooning time ends

I guess I've felt it encroaching, but this morning it really hit me. I knew living in this cocoon couldn't last forever, but it was just so darn sweet. I've been so peaceful and mellow, totally content just cuddling with my baby. But I guess the lack of sleep accumulates, the adrenaline from the birth dissipates, and your hormone depletion starts to kick in. I woke up this morning, tired, frustrated and overwhelmed. Not about anything in particular. It had been somewhat of a rough night. My darling boy was being squirmy most of the night, I couldn't seem to get comfortable, and he wanted milk more than I thought he might.

But R took him for a little this morning and I was able to fade into a semi slumber for a short while before it was boob time again. But then I hold him and watch him suckle and am swept up in love again.

My midwife came for another visit yesterday. There will be 2 more visits and then we're on our own. They have been so amazing throughout this whole experience. So comforting to have. I wish all new moms could experience this kind of care. To be visited by your care provider in the comforts of your own home. To feel really held and cared for. The only downside is that you may just grow a little dependent on that care. I'm feeling slightly anxious that we'll be on our own soon. But they do try to wean you off them slowly, and make sure you're doing just fine. Plus, they hold new parent group meetings that we will definitely be attending.

My parents arrive this weekend. I've been so looking forward to having them here as I know their help is going to make life so much easier, especially since R will be back at work full time next week. But again I can't help but feel a little anxious again. I think it's the crumbling walls of this cocoon feeling. It's been so peaceful. I'm so reluctant to let go of this feeling. But it's been so beautiful, probably the most beautiful week of my life.

I remind myself to be flexible, to let myself move with the currents of time. Each day brings new joys with my son, and spending time with him in these early days with my parents will one day be memories I'll look back on tenderly.

It's so important to count your blessings. For one negative thought, one small fear can so quickly take hold of you and make you lose sight of everything else.

A week ago

Pretty much a week ago to this minute I had just finished writing my last blog entry and had gone to lie down for a nap before I went to pick up my friend from the train station, when I heard a POP which was followed by an overwhelming sensation around my cervix. I knew my baby was coming soon, but I had no idea it was going to be THAT afternoon.

It's funny that in my last post I wrote that ready or not it was showtime, because shortly after writing those words that's exactly how it went down. Ready or not, I was having my baby.

After hearing the pop of my water breaking, a mere 3 and half hours or labor followed and before the end of the work day my son was on my chest, all slithery, slimy and beautiful. Since then it's been a week of bliss, cocooned in the warmth of our home with this new life integrated so perfectly into our existence.

He is so perfect in every single way. And suddenly it's so clear to me, that everything that has happened in my life, every "right" and "wrong" decision, has lead me to this moment, to him and that all of it, absolutely all of it was meant to be.

I'll be sharing my birth story soon. Feels a bit like picking up the pieces of a dream, making sense of it, despite how short it was. This surreal time suspended, like a bridge, between before and after birth. I want to share it as precisely as I can account for. I try and go through it in my head everyday in fear that I might forget some small detail.

A week ago I birthed my son and became a mother.

37 Weeks and counting

Boy things seem to be picking up steam. I woke up the morning of 37 weeks and felt a whole new kind of pregnant.

Last week I finished work. My coworkers threw me a surprise waffle party in our kitchen pantry and they gave me a very nice diaper bag. It felt strange to leave work, especially knowing that unlike most I won't be returning. A new chapter begins.

Last week I also passed my driving test! So glad it's over, I think I literally slipped that in just in the nick of time. As now I'm not feeling at all with it enough to be taking a test. Although I am now surprisingly a lot more comfortable driving (freeway driving not included).

We had our Bay Area baby shower on Sunday, which included guys. We had a very casual barbeque in the outside area of our apartment complex. Unfortunately it was a very windy day and we eventually moved into the apartment. It was a lot of fun to see everyone, possible for the last time before baby comes. Of course we bought way too much food and now have an abundance of hot dogs and burgers in our freezer. Which is not exactly what i'm craving to eat right now.

What I am craving is some wholesome nutritious food. I've had a long bought of sweetness cravings but I am now wanting cleansing foods. I believe my body is getting into cleansing mode. I'm on my second day of diarrhea, which is supposed to be a sign of an encroaching labor. And it's not the type of upset stomach diarrhea, it almost feels more like when you get butterflies. I read somewhere that it could mean baby is coming in the next week... I see my midwives tomorrow and hopefully they'll have some insight.

Things are definitely shifting. I'm getting a lot of "you look ready to pop" type of comments. And honestly, looking at the mirror, I can't fathom my belly getting much bigger. This baby is done, the timer is about to go off.

A good friend of mine from Hong Kong is arriving shortly and staying with us till Monday. It will be great to have some company and help nesting, but I sure hope baby waits till after she leaves!

I am all at once in total disbelief, it feels like "showtime". After all the months of prep, it's time for opening night, you've done all you can do. I don't know why I'm relating birth to theatre right now, it's just what seems right. I used to do dance and theatre way back in the day and it kinda feels that way. It's that feeling right before the curtains go up. You've just gotta get on stage and give it all you got. Ready or not, it's showtime.

Pregnancy Photos

I'm so happy that we went to take some professional pregnancy photos. I felt a bit guilty at first with all the other costs of the birth and baby stuff. But now I am so grateful that we did do it. Here are a few of my favorites I wanted to share. Our photographer was Emily Payne, you can check her out here.

Time is a ticking!

We are at 35 and a half weeks. Leaving less than a month left now till D-Day!

So much has been going on... We moved! It was super exhausting packing and unpacking (still unpacking). Love our new apartment and getting acquainted with our new neighborhood and city - What's up Oakland!

We also started our home birthing classes every Monday, and we're already half way through. The class has been a great place to meet other couples going the home birth route. There's a real sense of community and normalcy. I think the class has been especially beneficial for R, to be able to relate to the other guys, and not feel like he is totally out of his comfort zone. There are other guys doing this too! And Jane Austin again, is just awesome. She is able to talk about it all, this week we went into some detail about pooping during labor, and she makes the subject funny, real and OK. Like you know what, it's really not a big deal. She's just able to really speak about all aspects of birth, the partner work, all of it and make it accessible and digestible without feeling overwhelmed. I truly feel blessed to be able to take her prenatal classes and this birthing class.

I've been doing my driving lessons and take my test next Monday! EEK! Wish me luck!

We took pregnancy pictures over the weekend and it was a wonderful thing to do to celebrate the pregnancy. It was pricey but I'm so glad we splurged on this as I will treasure the photos forever. I highly recommend doing something for yourself to celebrate your pregnancy. Especially at this stage when you start feeling whale like and new aches and pains are developing everywhere. Do something to feel beautiful! Be the star of the show for a bit! I will share some of our photos soon.

Things are winding down at work. There are mixed feelings of relief and a tinge of fear. Don't know when I'll work again, no income... it's a bit scary! But I'm very lucky I have a husband who is willing to work his butt off to support me and baby. We'll be on a tight budget, but we'll be OK.

One of the mamas in my prenatal group had her baby. Boy was that a reality check. Then over the weekend I think part of my mucus plug came out... Well I think it was. Spoke to the midwife. Things are fine and nothing to worry about. But things are changing, I sort of instinctively know that things are shifting in my body as it gets ready for birth. The pressure on my pelvis is increasing. I feel mild cramping around the lower part of my uterus. And sometimes baby is just moving all about I think he/she's ready to stretch those limbs!

Quote

From the book Birthing from Within:

Netsilik Eskimo Birth

"She brings her child into the world while on her knees and alone, without help. If it is winter, she allows the child to glide down into a small hollow in the snow on the platform itself. No skin lining is placed in the hollow for the child, which falls straight into the snow."

–Rasmussen, An Antrholopologist, 1931

8 Months!

Last month at work!

I'm half way through week 32. But just realized last night that I am now in my 8th month! Same thing happened in month 7, thought I was still 6 months for about 2 weeks into the 7th month! Time's passing too quickly to keep track of how far along I am. All I know is that April 22nd is no longer a dot on the horizon but a large visible object coming my way!

With the looming due date fast approaching, I'm realizing that I have to get a lot of stuff done before that date, preferably 2 weeks before that date, in case someone decides to show a little early.

I'm not even talking about setting up a nursery. We actually aren't going to have a nursery (for now). But here's a list of yoginimama's to-do-list:

1. Move into new apartment and nest
2. Finish pregnancy scrapbook (number of pages completed to date: 2)
3. Finish a freelance project - illustrating and designing a children's book
4. Get my driver's license

It's only 4 things. 4 HUGE things. It actually makes me want to laugh. Just when I think I've taken my procrastination to new heights, I outdo myself. 

We all know that stress is no good for big pregnant mamas, so besides getting all this done it's kind of imperative I do it all with a cool, even head on my shoulders. If I do manage to accomplish each thing on that list before this baby arrives I will be pretty damn impressed with myself. I have to say.

The myth of 8 hours!

I've always felt like I'm one of those people that need 8 hours sleep. I just don't function as well with anything less. So one of the things I'm not looking forward to is the lack of sleep heading my way. Although I'll say this past week has proven that getting a full night's rest is already a thing of the past. I'm way more uncomfortable in whatever position I find myself in. Baby's kicks are getting more intense. And those 3, 4 sometimes 5 times to get up to pee don't help much either.

I haven't studied yoga nidra, the yoga of sleep. But I know that in yoga the idea goes that it's not so much the amount of rest you get but the quality of rest you get. It teaches a kind of conscious rest, not sleep, but takes you in to a deep sense of relaxation. It reminds me a bit of Bikram yoga classes, where in the last sequence of poses, you lie in a mini savasana for 20 seconds in between the poses. I used to love the practice of allowing yourself to fully let go and rest. I know I'll be needing that skill to rest in between contractions too. 

Anyway, I stumbled upon a BBC article about the myth of the 8 hour sleep. It may be that we don't really need that big of a chunk of sleep after all. Hurray! Before the 1600s people had 2 sleeps, the first one soon after dusk. Then they'd get up and do some stuff before sleeping a second sleep. This was the absolute norm.

 "For most of evolution we slept a certain way," says sleep psychologist Gregg Jacobs. "Waking up during the night is part of normal human physiology."

I do realize I won't be getting up just once, but several times. I do feel that a lot of tiredness that comes into play from a lack of sleep is the stress involved from not sleeping. I know that if I can't fall asleep or I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep I stress out. And the more stressed and frustrated you become the harder it is to sleep.

I know that I will need good stress management, flexibility and probably a whole lot of grace to get me through those first months of motherhood (and beyond).

I would love to hear from other mamas, what they recommend for getting rest and for making the most out of the rest that you do get. If you're out there, let me know!

Not so fun decisions

This week, we had our second session of group prenatal meeting. The main topic of the day was GBS or Group B Strep. I have maybe heard of Group B Strep, but honestly think I associated it with strep throat. Well it has nothing to do with your throat. No, GBS is a bacteria that lives in the gut. And 30% of women carry it in the viginal and rectal areas. Which poses no health issues to the women, but if you have a baby, the baby can get infected and there's a small chance the baby will get very ill and maybe even die.

The standard CDC and ACOG recommends screening all pregnant women at 35-37 weeks and that if she should test positive, for her to receive intravenous antibiotics during labor and delivery.

Our midwives are giving us the option to choose for ourselves how we want to tackle the situation. It's up to us if we even want to get screened. The main issue at hand is that receiving antibiotics during labor poses it's own risks as well. And so they really are letting us weigh the risks ourselves.

The problem with the baby being exposed to antibiotics is that there is bacteria that can become antibiotic resistant which poses issues for the baby later down the road, which can also be very serious. If I test positive there chances of passing it on to my baby are actually quite small (0.5%). But of course any risk is still a risk. Check this article I found which covers some of the things we spoke about at our meeting.

We talked about the different scenarios and options we had. And basically there's no right answer. The cycle of GBS life is about 4-5weeks which is why they test at 35-37 weeks. And that still doesn't mean you'll necessarily be a carrier at birth. One option is to test a little earlier and try to take measures to eliminate the GBS through diet. Although this is considered very alternative and there aren't many studies to back it up. But they did suggest eating fermented food, healthy bacteria and cutting back on carbs as GBS loves sugar.

The midwives are also able to lessen the dosage of antibiotics. Instead of being administered the dosage every 4 hours during the entire labor, they can give you one dosage within 4 hours of your delivery.

Let me just say that there is so much about this I'm not even touching on. But for me to attempt to explain it would be totally butchery of the subject. I highly recommend speaking to your healthcare provider about it and also doing your own research as well. It seems to be a hotly debated issue in the medical world.

I haven't yet decided which route to take, though I'm leaning towards what they called "a middle path". I'll let you know where we land.

Check out this article for more info.

31 Weeks and Heavy

Finally stood on a scale for the first time in about 2 months. I'm almost hitting 150lbs! Normal weight gain is considered to be 25-35lbs.. TOTAL! Eek. I still have around 9 weeks of gaining a pound a week, which will likely put me at 40lbs total weight gain.

I never knew exactly what I was weighing in at before I got pregnant, as I'm not a huge fan of scales and generally believe what's more important is how you feel, rather than aiming for an "ideal" weight.

I was steadily observing my weight increase while visiting the OB as they weighed me each visit, but the midwives don't do it, so I've been blissfully ignorant. But while at the gym I was curious, and there it was, just shy of 150. Holy mama.


This week I'm definitely feeling the heaviness. I'm a lot slower, as proved by the grandmas zipping pass me on the sidewalks. I get out of breath a lot easier, even just from saying a long sentence.

I noticed a nice gaping hole on the inside of my maternity jeans, where my lovely thighs have presumably been rubbing against each other.

Overnight pee breaks have been on the rise. As well as crazy, intense dreams! And as tired as I am I somehow manage to stay up past midnight every night.

Digestion has definitely sloooooowed down.

Up to now I haven't had any backaches but am starting to feel it in the lower back. I'm suspecting because of an increased curve in my lumbar spine. Oh yea and those extra 30lbs!

Overall my sexiness index has plummeted. 

But not all is doom and gloom. With 2 months left to go I am in disbelief that we will be meeting baby so soon. On one hand I can't wait. On the other I can. A whole new reality is about to be upon us and I'm all at once giddy, overwhelmed and terrified.

Cherish the date nights

Cherish the date nights, the movies, the nice restaurants, because you know that once a certain little someone joins the party, there won't be much of those niceties to enjoy, at least for a while.

So this evening when I started feeling sluggish and lazy at home, instead of suggesting we stay home this Valentine's Day and save money, I slapped on some eyeliner and my heels (after discovering my going-out-boots no longer fit my thickened calves) and we went out to dinner.

So glad that we did, because we had a delectable meal at our favorite SF restaurant, Boulevard. And each bite was that much more scrumptious for knowing that our fine dinning days are numbered.

As D day approaches, I keep thinking about all the things that suddenly won't be an option. Even things that I don't even do, but always think about doing. I gotta get to them now before it's too late! For example I want to go visit all the museums before the baby comes. We've lived in SF for 2 years, and I've yet to step into the De Young or the MOMA. Shameful, considering I was an Art major! Then there's all the live music yet to listen to. Going to a live jazz performance on Fillmore is definitely on my to-do-list.

And of course, there's just time to spend with my husband. Just the two of us time. I know that it will be a whole new kind of beautiful with baby. But for now, I'm savoring the last few months of me and him time. It will never be like this again. Even right now with both of us on our laptops in the dinning room sitting in silence–maybe the few last slices of real quiet we'll get. I can't believe after all these years, we're having a baby.

How to get a massage from your man...

Enroll you and your partner into a Prenatal Partners class!

Some lucky ladies may have a man at home always armed with a bottle of oil, candles and willing and able fingers. But if you're like me, the love of your life may be a little lacking in the TLC department. I don't get much more than a furrowed brow of vague concern when I lament about the deep aching pain in my ass that's causing me to shuffle around the apartment like an 80 year old.

So consider my delight when I found Jane Austen's 3 hour Prenatal Partners workshop listed in Yoga Tree. The mere mention of prenatal massage had me entering my Credit Card info to pay the $70 couple fee. And I've been eagerly awaiting the class ever since.

Yesterday was the workshop and it went above and beyond all my expectations and desires. I've been taking Jane's prenatal classes for a few weeks now (highly recommended as well - she is awesome), so I knew we'd be in good hands. The workshop included, relaxation techniques, different massages and different possible positions done together during labor.

The most important aspect of the workshop was that it was a real bonding experience. I haven't felt this close to my husband in a while. When you're wrapped up in your pregnancy, it's very much a personal experience and for many men it's an outsider's experience. Personally, one of the challenges I've faced during pregnancy is feeling alone in what I experience physically and emotionally. I've poured hours into pregnancy and birthing books whereas R has not yet opened the Birthing Partners book I got him months ago. Seeing what I perceived as his lack of enthusiasm and eagerness to learn has been really frustrating and disappointing to me. I have to constantly remind myself that his experience is different from mine. And as much as he can't relate to me, neither can I to him.

Sunday opened a new door to equal ground. I don't know about the other partners in the room, but I know that the things Jane said resonated with R. I finally felt like he was completely present with me, undistracted by work or other issues. He was there and he was there totally supporting me. And sure the massage techniques kicked ass (and I'll be sure he keeps practicing them), but feeling his presence, his dedication and his love was what really counted. She was able to let him get to a place where he could connect to his love for me and for this baby, something that I feel he doesn't often have time to reflect on.

My hope is that all expecting couples get to share in something like this. Especially if you're feeling a bit on the disconnected side with your partner. Sometimes all we need is a little help to clear away all the noise to get down to the real love shared in a relationship. And as Jane said, a little massage with the right intention goes a long, long way.

Click here for more info on Jane Austin.

Thank God it's 9 Months

I have the day off today and I've just finished my breakfast, so thought it was a good time to sit down and write my first entry. As of today I am... (quick check on The Bump app)... 207 days pregnant! My baby's food size equivalent is a butternut squash. That leaves me with 73 more days to go (give or take a few weeks)!

I feel like I've been pregnant forever. I'll think back to an event from last summer and then realize I was pregnant back then too. But I think I get the whole 9 months thing. Sure it takes that long for the bun to fully cook. But more importantly, it's a good amount of time to get your head around the fact that you're having a baby. The first couple months was all about being pregnant, I just wanted to know what was going on in my body, I zoomed through What to Expect When You're Expecting excitedly looking at what was to come. Reading and rereading the write up for each week, totally mesmerized with what was happening in my body.

Then one day a few months later I thought I'd look up some essentials lists for a baby registry. After one look at some essentials lists on line, this was pretty much my reaction.

It sounds so ridiculous, but it finally dawned on me that there was a baby coming after all this being pregnant stuff. And with that baby all these things, things I had no clue about, had never heard of.

I quickly closed my tabs and decided that the registry could probably wait a while. And embarrassingly, I still haven't finished it! I did eventually start it, but oh man, the choices for everything!! The research that goes in to choosing a car seat alone! Each item was a morning's work on it's own. But I'm almost there. And baby, I promise you you will have all you need by the time you get here!

So yes, 9 months. THANK GOD! Hubby and I went to the Exploritorium last week. In the section all about gestation was a display of a little fish, to which I forget it's name. But they take just 48 hours to full gestation! All I could think was "Bless you little fishy mama!". I totally realize that in comparison to the lifelong challenge of motherhood, these 9 months will seem like a blink of an eye in retrospect. But being in it right now. I can't help but be grateful for each day I have. Just to enjoy the miracle of pregnancy, for the natural process that happens physically and mentally in preparing for motherhood. I can't wait to meet this little one, but I want to cherish this time that I have with the baby inside of me. I hear one day they grow up and you don't see them all that much. So I'm savoring this time, the beginning of this relationship where we're one. Gosh, little ones not even out yet and I'm dreading letting it go already! (Not to objectify baby by calling it "it" but we don't know the gender yet).

So there you go. Pregnancy is a practice of going with the flow. Of letting time take it's course. And you know what I almost feel like I am a bit more patient these days. Though I'm sure once motherhood is in full swing that probably goes too. I should tell hubby to appreciate this version of me while it lasts!