So it's been a year since my last post. Turns out taking care of an ever growing baby takes up most of one's time! And without any help, its hard to find time to do much else. It wasn't till very recently that I've started using some childcare and find myself with some me time. Just the other day I got a pedicure! I forgot how nice it is to have pretty toes!
When I reflect back on the past year and ask myself if I would have done it any differently, and by it I mean my choice to stay at home and take care of my son on my own, my answer is no. Sure it got challenging and difficult. It still does. I have been down the path of questioning who I was, who I was becoming. Sometimes it felt that outside of being a mom there was nothing left of me. Being a mom consumed 150% of me. I looked at other women who returned to work, had separate lives outside of their babies and husbands, and often asked myself if that was what I needed.
Being a stay-at-home mom is a choice, although I know some moms don't get that choice and must work. I am grateful my husband can support us. I do believe that the most important thing for a baby is to be with his mother. But I know its not for every mom. I've spoken to women who truly needed to work to feel balanced. Each of us are unique in how we receive motherhood. Had I started my pregnancy in a job that truly fulfilled me and I was passionate about, then maybe I would have eagerly returned. I don't know. It wasn't my situation. I didn't have a job to return to. I could have easily found contract work. I didn't know what to expect. I played it by ear. And in doing so have only recently felt ready to letting someone else care for him.
I'm amazed at how quickly I find myself reconnecting to my old self. A couple hours here and there to do personal work, a yoga class or a pedicure and I feel lighter, renewed. Its wonderful. I still don't think I want to be separated from my son for 40 plus hours a week. My son and I have a bond that I hope connects us throughout the rest of my life. I have spent 15 months physically intertwined with this little man. Watched him evolve from his limp new born body to holding up his head, pushing up on his arms, watched him ecstatically explore his world once he started crawling, and now delight in seeing his boundaries expand as he walks, runs and climbs (oh the climbing) to new frontiers. Some days he doesn't want to venture far and must have one part of his body in contact with my body. Some days he ventures further away from me than any day before, but then he'll look back at me, check to see I'm still there.
Its hard to leave him. Even for a few hours. Especially when he doesn't want me to go. But we are learning to live a little a part. For us, this is as much as we can take. I know it won't be long till we spend most of our waking hours away from each other. I imagine myself with him as a teenager or even a grown man, and I see myself thinking back to this time. I imagine I time travel back to these days and I embody my future self. Then I watch him as he does whatever he does and smile, I hold him, hug him, kiss him, because I know I'm so lucky right now. I try to notice each moment, to be present. I forgive the really trying times because I know all of it will pass too quickly. These past 15 months have passed come and gone. My little baby boy is becoming a kid.
I don't regret one bit that I've spent as much time as I possibly could have with my son. And I hope in doing so that somehow in the fiber of his being he knows how loved and supported his is by his mama. And I hope that as we slowly unclench from each other, that our bond stays true so that we may always always return to each other with open arms.
