I find myself so often readying myself for the worse. In a way it seems to make sense, don't we want to be prepared for when things go awry? Whenever a challenging time approaches–and by challenging, really just something outside of our normal day-to-day– we tend to brace ourselves, we say things like, oh this is going to be a tough week.
My husband left today for a business trip to India. Next week we are going to France for one of my closest friend's weddings. Originally we were all going to fly together and after I booked our plane tickets he found out he had to go to India for work. So now the only option he has is to meet ND and I at Charles De Gaulle airport.
Initially I was pissed. Then eventually I just resigned myself to the shittiness of it all. I didn't want to give him flack for it as he had no control over it, so I just accepted it. Sort of. Internally I was imagining the 12 hour flight to Paris with ND throwing tantrums, writhing on my lap, wanting to run up and down the aisle every minute, swiping my food tray over and probably drenching us and the lucky person besides us with my coffee. At another point I imagined us sitting next to the most unfriendly baby person in the world who would eventually make a snide comment to me at the end of the flight. In my mind I went over and over again all the things I'd say to this despicable excuse for a human being. I got so into it, I could feel my heartbeat rising!
Ahh.. the stories we like to construct in our minds! I got to thinking... what if I'm just setting myself up for the worse? Does how we anticipate events actually have an affect on them? If I expect a great week ahead sans hubby and a wonderful international flight alone with my toddler - is that so dangerous? It's not like going to a movie with high expectations and then being bummed that it wasn't so great after all. We know that in life challenges arise. I know as a mother that along the course of the day many emotions will rise and fall away for both me and ND. And yes, trying to keep him entertained on my lap with someone's shoulders pressed against mine will be challenging. But do I need to DREAD it? Do I need to run over in my mind all the challenging things that might occur? Why can't I shift it to the positive?
Maybe I will be such an awesome mom that day, with the patience of a saint. Maybe ND will respond to my awesomeness by being that kid on a flight that everyone wants to applaud for being just so cute and well behaved. I say this all grinning with clenched teeth, because something inside me is saying No never! Hah! Good luck with that!
But if I keep imagining good things, maybe that voice will start to STFU. And maybe I'll actually start to believe it. If I'm going to think about it I might as well create for myself the image I want to experience.
Stories. When we start to notice the stories we play in our mind, especially the ones that get a lot of replays, we may actually start to deconstruct them. Overtime we may find that we can rewrite the ones that bring us down.
What stories are playing in your mind?
