I find myself so often readying myself for the worse. In a way it seems to make sense, don't we want to be prepared for when things go awry? Whenever a challenging time approaches–and by challenging, really just something outside of our normal day-to-day– we tend to brace ourselves, we say things like, oh this is going to be a tough week.
My husband left today for a business trip to India. Next week we are going to France for one of my closest friend's weddings. Originally we were all going to fly together and after I booked our plane tickets he found out he had to go to India for work. So now the only option he has is to meet ND and I at Charles De Gaulle airport.
Initially I was pissed. Then eventually I just resigned myself to the shittiness of it all. I didn't want to give him flack for it as he had no control over it, so I just accepted it. Sort of. Internally I was imagining the 12 hour flight to Paris with ND throwing tantrums, writhing on my lap, wanting to run up and down the aisle every minute, swiping my food tray over and probably drenching us and the lucky person besides us with my coffee. At another point I imagined us sitting next to the most unfriendly baby person in the world who would eventually make a snide comment to me at the end of the flight. In my mind I went over and over again all the things I'd say to this despicable excuse for a human being. I got so into it, I could feel my heartbeat rising!
Ahh.. the stories we like to construct in our minds! I got to thinking... what if I'm just setting myself up for the worse? Does how we anticipate events actually have an affect on them? If I expect a great week ahead sans hubby and a wonderful international flight alone with my toddler - is that so dangerous? It's not like going to a movie with high expectations and then being bummed that it wasn't so great after all. We know that in life challenges arise. I know as a mother that along the course of the day many emotions will rise and fall away for both me and ND. And yes, trying to keep him entertained on my lap with someone's shoulders pressed against mine will be challenging. But do I need to DREAD it? Do I need to run over in my mind all the challenging things that might occur? Why can't I shift it to the positive?
Maybe I will be such an awesome mom that day, with the patience of a saint. Maybe ND will respond to my awesomeness by being that kid on a flight that everyone wants to applaud for being just so cute and well behaved. I say this all grinning with clenched teeth, because something inside me is saying No never! Hah! Good luck with that!
But if I keep imagining good things, maybe that voice will start to STFU. And maybe I'll actually start to believe it. If I'm going to think about it I might as well create for myself the image I want to experience.
Stories. When we start to notice the stories we play in our mind, especially the ones that get a lot of replays, we may actually start to deconstruct them. Overtime we may find that we can rewrite the ones that bring us down.
What stories are playing in your mind?
Friday, September 20, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Transformation through motherhood
When you become a mother you kiss the person you were up until mommyhood a big fat Good Bye. Some of us don't see it coming, some of us do but don't really realize the extent of how much we change. Sure, the essence of who you are is always there. But the transformation that being a mother brings is a big one.
I recently came to the realization that I will never again be able to be truly care free. I suppose getting older has something to do with it too, but having a kid sure does change the way you see the world.
It was 6 long years ago when I was still regularly partying it up without a thought about anything else other than the present moment. I hung out with my roommates and friends till all sorts of hours, lounging in our living room, talking anything and everything. The future was vast, possibilities still seemingly endless. When I wanted to escape it all - I could. I think once you have kids that freedom to forget everything and leave it all behind is loss.
I am responsible now for this little person. And I want to take care of him better than I've ever tried to take care of myself. Every action I make now somehow comes back to him. Every choice I make now, even if it has nothing to do with him, does have to do with him. Maybe because now as his mother I aspire to be a better person. And its not just about what I do in front of him, its about who I am as a whole
. I suppose one of the greatest gifts of being a parent is that it offers you, if you allow it, to be the person you've always wanted to be, to make the better choices.
In yoga we learn that the highest way of being is to be in service of something outside of yourself. Without quite expecting it, having ND has created that shift in my life. After 3 decades of a self-serving life, my needs now are shadowed by his. The old me who could so easily put something off till later is now motivated to stay on top of things and to pull through even when I just don't want to. It is at once humbling and at the same time empowering.
One time an old acquaintance asked if I was enjoying my "tai tai" life, which mean Mrs in Cantonese and is slang in Hong Kong for the rich, idle life of non working moms, who go to lunch, shop as pastime and dress impeccably. I told her that I've actually never worked harder in my life.
To be carefree is beautiful, it was fun for me while it lasted. But this inner transformation taking place in the wake of motherhood is beyond what I ever envisioned for myself. My heart's capacity to feel has increased twofold. I thought I was empathetic before but feel now even more strongly for friends, family and strangers, for conflicts far away. My interests lie so far beyond my own now - that there's no more space to be free of care anymore.
I recently came to the realization that I will never again be able to be truly care free. I suppose getting older has something to do with it too, but having a kid sure does change the way you see the world.
It was 6 long years ago when I was still regularly partying it up without a thought about anything else other than the present moment. I hung out with my roommates and friends till all sorts of hours, lounging in our living room, talking anything and everything. The future was vast, possibilities still seemingly endless. When I wanted to escape it all - I could. I think once you have kids that freedom to forget everything and leave it all behind is loss.
I am responsible now for this little person. And I want to take care of him better than I've ever tried to take care of myself. Every action I make now somehow comes back to him. Every choice I make now, even if it has nothing to do with him, does have to do with him. Maybe because now as his mother I aspire to be a better person. And its not just about what I do in front of him, its about who I am as a whole
. I suppose one of the greatest gifts of being a parent is that it offers you, if you allow it, to be the person you've always wanted to be, to make the better choices.
In yoga we learn that the highest way of being is to be in service of something outside of yourself. Without quite expecting it, having ND has created that shift in my life. After 3 decades of a self-serving life, my needs now are shadowed by his. The old me who could so easily put something off till later is now motivated to stay on top of things and to pull through even when I just don't want to. It is at once humbling and at the same time empowering.
One time an old acquaintance asked if I was enjoying my "tai tai" life, which mean Mrs in Cantonese and is slang in Hong Kong for the rich, idle life of non working moms, who go to lunch, shop as pastime and dress impeccably. I told her that I've actually never worked harder in my life.
To be carefree is beautiful, it was fun for me while it lasted. But this inner transformation taking place in the wake of motherhood is beyond what I ever envisioned for myself. My heart's capacity to feel has increased twofold. I thought I was empathetic before but feel now even more strongly for friends, family and strangers, for conflicts far away. My interests lie so far beyond my own now - that there's no more space to be free of care anymore.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
I'm back
So it's been a year since my last post. Turns out taking care of an ever growing baby takes up most of one's time! And without any help, its hard to find time to do much else. It wasn't till very recently that I've started using some childcare and find myself with some me time. Just the other day I got a pedicure! I forgot how nice it is to have pretty toes!
When I reflect back on the past year and ask myself if I would have done it any differently, and by it I mean my choice to stay at home and take care of my son on my own, my answer is no. Sure it got challenging and difficult. It still does. I have been down the path of questioning who I was, who I was becoming. Sometimes it felt that outside of being a mom there was nothing left of me. Being a mom consumed 150% of me. I looked at other women who returned to work, had separate lives outside of their babies and husbands, and often asked myself if that was what I needed.
Being a stay-at-home mom is a choice, although I know some moms don't get that choice and must work. I am grateful my husband can support us. I do believe that the most important thing for a baby is to be with his mother. But I know its not for every mom. I've spoken to women who truly needed to work to feel balanced. Each of us are unique in how we receive motherhood. Had I started my pregnancy in a job that truly fulfilled me and I was passionate about, then maybe I would have eagerly returned. I don't know. It wasn't my situation. I didn't have a job to return to. I could have easily found contract work. I didn't know what to expect. I played it by ear. And in doing so have only recently felt ready to letting someone else care for him.
I'm amazed at how quickly I find myself reconnecting to my old self. A couple hours here and there to do personal work, a yoga class or a pedicure and I feel lighter, renewed. Its wonderful. I still don't think I want to be separated from my son for 40 plus hours a week. My son and I have a bond that I hope connects us throughout the rest of my life. I have spent 15 months physically intertwined with this little man. Watched him evolve from his limp new born body to holding up his head, pushing up on his arms, watched him ecstatically explore his world once he started crawling, and now delight in seeing his boundaries expand as he walks, runs and climbs (oh the climbing) to new frontiers. Some days he doesn't want to venture far and must have one part of his body in contact with my body. Some days he ventures further away from me than any day before, but then he'll look back at me, check to see I'm still there.
Its hard to leave him. Even for a few hours. Especially when he doesn't want me to go. But we are learning to live a little a part. For us, this is as much as we can take. I know it won't be long till we spend most of our waking hours away from each other. I imagine myself with him as a teenager or even a grown man, and I see myself thinking back to this time. I imagine I time travel back to these days and I embody my future self. Then I watch him as he does whatever he does and smile, I hold him, hug him, kiss him, because I know I'm so lucky right now. I try to notice each moment, to be present. I forgive the really trying times because I know all of it will pass too quickly. These past 15 months have passed come and gone. My little baby boy is becoming a kid.
I don't regret one bit that I've spent as much time as I possibly could have with my son. And I hope in doing so that somehow in the fiber of his being he knows how loved and supported his is by his mama. And I hope that as we slowly unclench from each other, that our bond stays true so that we may always always return to each other with open arms.
When I reflect back on the past year and ask myself if I would have done it any differently, and by it I mean my choice to stay at home and take care of my son on my own, my answer is no. Sure it got challenging and difficult. It still does. I have been down the path of questioning who I was, who I was becoming. Sometimes it felt that outside of being a mom there was nothing left of me. Being a mom consumed 150% of me. I looked at other women who returned to work, had separate lives outside of their babies and husbands, and often asked myself if that was what I needed.
Being a stay-at-home mom is a choice, although I know some moms don't get that choice and must work. I am grateful my husband can support us. I do believe that the most important thing for a baby is to be with his mother. But I know its not for every mom. I've spoken to women who truly needed to work to feel balanced. Each of us are unique in how we receive motherhood. Had I started my pregnancy in a job that truly fulfilled me and I was passionate about, then maybe I would have eagerly returned. I don't know. It wasn't my situation. I didn't have a job to return to. I could have easily found contract work. I didn't know what to expect. I played it by ear. And in doing so have only recently felt ready to letting someone else care for him.
I'm amazed at how quickly I find myself reconnecting to my old self. A couple hours here and there to do personal work, a yoga class or a pedicure and I feel lighter, renewed. Its wonderful. I still don't think I want to be separated from my son for 40 plus hours a week. My son and I have a bond that I hope connects us throughout the rest of my life. I have spent 15 months physically intertwined with this little man. Watched him evolve from his limp new born body to holding up his head, pushing up on his arms, watched him ecstatically explore his world once he started crawling, and now delight in seeing his boundaries expand as he walks, runs and climbs (oh the climbing) to new frontiers. Some days he doesn't want to venture far and must have one part of his body in contact with my body. Some days he ventures further away from me than any day before, but then he'll look back at me, check to see I'm still there.
Its hard to leave him. Even for a few hours. Especially when he doesn't want me to go. But we are learning to live a little a part. For us, this is as much as we can take. I know it won't be long till we spend most of our waking hours away from each other. I imagine myself with him as a teenager or even a grown man, and I see myself thinking back to this time. I imagine I time travel back to these days and I embody my future self. Then I watch him as he does whatever he does and smile, I hold him, hug him, kiss him, because I know I'm so lucky right now. I try to notice each moment, to be present. I forgive the really trying times because I know all of it will pass too quickly. These past 15 months have passed come and gone. My little baby boy is becoming a kid.
I don't regret one bit that I've spent as much time as I possibly could have with my son. And I hope in doing so that somehow in the fiber of his being he knows how loved and supported his is by his mama. And I hope that as we slowly unclench from each other, that our bond stays true so that we may always always return to each other with open arms.
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