Transformation through motherhood

When you become a mother you kiss the person you were up until mommyhood a big fat Good Bye. Some of us don't see it coming, some of us do but don't really realize the extent of how much we change. Sure, the essence of who you are is always there. But the transformation that being a mother brings is a big one.

I recently came to the realization that I will never again be able to be truly care free. I suppose getting older has something to do with it too, but having a kid sure does change the way you see the world.

It was 6 long years ago when I was still regularly partying it up without a thought about anything else other than the present moment. I hung out with my roommates and friends till all sorts of hours, lounging in our living room, talking anything and everything. The future was vast, possibilities still seemingly endless. When I wanted to escape it all - I could. I think once you have kids that freedom to forget everything and leave it all behind is loss.

I am responsible now for this little person. And I want to take care of him better than I've ever tried to take care of myself. Every action I make now somehow comes back to him. Every choice I make now, even if it has nothing to do with him, does have to do with him. Maybe because now as his mother I aspire to be a better person. And its not just about what I do in front of him, its about who I am as a whole
. I suppose one of the greatest gifts of being a parent is that it offers you, if you allow it, to be the person you've always wanted to be, to make the better choices.

In yoga we learn that the highest way of being is to be in service of something outside of yourself. Without quite expecting it, having ND has created that shift in my life. After 3 decades of a self-serving life, my needs now are shadowed by his. The old me who could so easily put something off till later is now motivated to stay on top of things and to pull through even when I just don't want to. It is at once humbling and at the same time empowering.

One time an old acquaintance asked if I was enjoying my "tai tai" life, which mean Mrs in Cantonese and is slang in Hong Kong for the rich, idle life of non working moms, who go to lunch, shop as pastime and dress impeccably.  I told her that I've actually never worked harder in my life.

To be carefree is beautiful, it was fun for me while it lasted. But this inner transformation taking place in the wake of motherhood is beyond what I ever envisioned for myself. My heart's capacity to feel has increased twofold. I thought I was empathetic before but feel now even more strongly for friends, family and strangers, for conflicts far away. My interests lie so far beyond my own now - that there's no more space to be free of care anymore.