I guess I've felt it encroaching, but this morning it really hit me. I knew living in this cocoon couldn't last forever, but it was just so darn sweet. I've been so peaceful and mellow, totally content just cuddling with my baby. But I guess the lack of sleep accumulates, the adrenaline from the birth dissipates, and your hormone depletion starts to kick in. I woke up this morning, tired, frustrated and overwhelmed. Not about anything in particular. It had been somewhat of a rough night. My darling boy was being squirmy most of the night, I couldn't seem to get comfortable, and he wanted milk more than I thought he might.
But R took him for a little this morning and I was able to fade into a semi slumber for a short while before it was boob time again. But then I hold him and watch him suckle and am swept up in love again.
My midwife came for another visit yesterday. There will be 2 more visits and then we're on our own. They have been so amazing throughout this whole experience. So comforting to have. I wish all new moms could experience this kind of care. To be visited by your care provider in the comforts of your own home. To feel really held and cared for. The only downside is that you may just grow a little dependent on that care. I'm feeling slightly anxious that we'll be on our own soon. But they do try to wean you off them slowly, and make sure you're doing just fine. Plus, they hold new parent group meetings that we will definitely be attending.
My parents arrive this weekend. I've been so looking forward to having them here as I know their help is going to make life so much easier, especially since R will be back at work full time next week. But again I can't help but feel a little anxious again. I think it's the crumbling walls of this cocoon feeling. It's been so peaceful. I'm so reluctant to let go of this feeling. But it's been so beautiful, probably the most beautiful week of my life.
I remind myself to be flexible, to let myself move with the currents of time. Each day brings new joys with my son, and spending time with him in these early days with my parents will one day be memories I'll look back on tenderly.
It's so important to count your blessings. For one negative thought, one small fear can so quickly take hold of you and make you lose sight of everything else.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
A week ago
Pretty much a week ago to this minute I had just finished writing my last blog entry and had gone to lie down for a nap before I went to pick up my friend from the train station, when I heard a POP which was followed by an overwhelming sensation around my cervix. I knew my baby was coming soon, but I had no idea it was going to be THAT afternoon.
It's funny that in my last post I wrote that ready or not it was showtime, because shortly after writing those words that's exactly how it went down. Ready or not, I was having my baby.
After hearing the pop of my water breaking, a mere 3 and half hours or labor followed and before the end of the work day my son was on my chest, all slithery, slimy and beautiful. Since then it's been a week of bliss, cocooned in the warmth of our home with this new life integrated so perfectly into our existence.
He is so perfect in every single way. And suddenly it's so clear to me, that everything that has happened in my life, every "right" and "wrong" decision, has lead me to this moment, to him and that all of it, absolutely all of it was meant to be.
I'll be sharing my birth story soon. Feels a bit like picking up the pieces of a dream, making sense of it, despite how short it was. This surreal time suspended, like a bridge, between before and after birth. I want to share it as precisely as I can account for. I try and go through it in my head everyday in fear that I might forget some small detail.
A week ago I birthed my son and became a mother.
It's funny that in my last post I wrote that ready or not it was showtime, because shortly after writing those words that's exactly how it went down. Ready or not, I was having my baby.
After hearing the pop of my water breaking, a mere 3 and half hours or labor followed and before the end of the work day my son was on my chest, all slithery, slimy and beautiful. Since then it's been a week of bliss, cocooned in the warmth of our home with this new life integrated so perfectly into our existence.
He is so perfect in every single way. And suddenly it's so clear to me, that everything that has happened in my life, every "right" and "wrong" decision, has lead me to this moment, to him and that all of it, absolutely all of it was meant to be.
I'll be sharing my birth story soon. Feels a bit like picking up the pieces of a dream, making sense of it, despite how short it was. This surreal time suspended, like a bridge, between before and after birth. I want to share it as precisely as I can account for. I try and go through it in my head everyday in fear that I might forget some small detail.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
37 Weeks and counting
Boy things seem to be picking up steam. I woke up the morning of 37 weeks and felt a whole new kind of pregnant.
Last week I finished work. My coworkers threw me a surprise waffle party in our kitchen pantry and they gave me a very nice diaper bag. It felt strange to leave work, especially knowing that unlike most I won't be returning. A new chapter begins.
Last week I also passed my driving test! So glad it's over, I think I literally slipped that in just in the nick of time. As now I'm not feeling at all with it enough to be taking a test. Although I am now surprisingly a lot more comfortable driving (freeway driving not included).
We had our Bay Area baby shower on Sunday, which included guys. We had a very casual barbeque in the outside area of our apartment complex. Unfortunately it was a very windy day and we eventually moved into the apartment. It was a lot of fun to see everyone, possible for the last time before baby comes. Of course we bought way too much food and now have an abundance of hot dogs and burgers in our freezer. Which is not exactly what i'm craving to eat right now.
What I am craving is some wholesome nutritious food. I've had a long bought of sweetness cravings but I am now wanting cleansing foods. I believe my body is getting into cleansing mode. I'm on my second day of diarrhea, which is supposed to be a sign of an encroaching labor. And it's not the type of upset stomach diarrhea, it almost feels more like when you get butterflies. I read somewhere that it could mean baby is coming in the next week... I see my midwives tomorrow and hopefully they'll have some insight.
Things are definitely shifting. I'm getting a lot of "you look ready to pop" type of comments. And honestly, looking at the mirror, I can't fathom my belly getting much bigger. This baby is done, the timer is about to go off.
A good friend of mine from Hong Kong is arriving shortly and staying with us till Monday. It will be great to have some company and help nesting, but I sure hope baby waits till after she leaves!
I am all at once in total disbelief, it feels like "showtime". After all the months of prep, it's time for opening night, you've done all you can do. I don't know why I'm relating birth to theatre right now, it's just what seems right. I used to do dance and theatre way back in the day and it kinda feels that way. It's that feeling right before the curtains go up. You've just gotta get on stage and give it all you got. Ready or not, it's showtime.
Last week I finished work. My coworkers threw me a surprise waffle party in our kitchen pantry and they gave me a very nice diaper bag. It felt strange to leave work, especially knowing that unlike most I won't be returning. A new chapter begins.
Last week I also passed my driving test! So glad it's over, I think I literally slipped that in just in the nick of time. As now I'm not feeling at all with it enough to be taking a test. Although I am now surprisingly a lot more comfortable driving (freeway driving not included).
We had our Bay Area baby shower on Sunday, which included guys. We had a very casual barbeque in the outside area of our apartment complex. Unfortunately it was a very windy day and we eventually moved into the apartment. It was a lot of fun to see everyone, possible for the last time before baby comes. Of course we bought way too much food and now have an abundance of hot dogs and burgers in our freezer. Which is not exactly what i'm craving to eat right now.
What I am craving is some wholesome nutritious food. I've had a long bought of sweetness cravings but I am now wanting cleansing foods. I believe my body is getting into cleansing mode. I'm on my second day of diarrhea, which is supposed to be a sign of an encroaching labor. And it's not the type of upset stomach diarrhea, it almost feels more like when you get butterflies. I read somewhere that it could mean baby is coming in the next week... I see my midwives tomorrow and hopefully they'll have some insight.
Things are definitely shifting. I'm getting a lot of "you look ready to pop" type of comments. And honestly, looking at the mirror, I can't fathom my belly getting much bigger. This baby is done, the timer is about to go off.
A good friend of mine from Hong Kong is arriving shortly and staying with us till Monday. It will be great to have some company and help nesting, but I sure hope baby waits till after she leaves!
I am all at once in total disbelief, it feels like "showtime". After all the months of prep, it's time for opening night, you've done all you can do. I don't know why I'm relating birth to theatre right now, it's just what seems right. I used to do dance and theatre way back in the day and it kinda feels that way. It's that feeling right before the curtains go up. You've just gotta get on stage and give it all you got. Ready or not, it's showtime.
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