This is the story of the birth of my son, Noah Dacres, on April 4th 2012.
I had a blessing ceremony where my closest friends brought beads for me to string together and stories to share about the strength of women in their lives. The necklace and the stories it represented were going to be one of my cornerstones of strength during my labor. But at 37 weeks I hadn’t yet strung the beads together. I also hadn’t yet created my playlist that I was planning to play during labor while my husband and I used the labor positions we learned in our home birthing class. I was going to light candles, burn incense. I was thinking I might even Om my way to the last moment.
But, alas, things rarely go as planned...
Let me begin on Sunday, April 1st. It was the first day of my 37th week. I woke up that morning feeling extremely "ripe". It was the day of our baby shower and I was drained before the day had even begun. It was that morning that I knew for sure there was no way I was making it to 40 weeks.
On Monday I went to my prenatal class and finally took up my teacher’s offer to stay and help out with the Mom and Baby class. So I stayed and held some babies as their moms got their yoga on. Holding the babies got me excited that I’d be holding my own little munchkin too very soon. Being around those babies probably got my oxytocin levels up.
On Tuesday I had lunch with a friend despite feeling extremely sluggish. It was a beautiful day in San Francisco, and after our lunch I walked up Market Street, got a soft serve ice cream from Super Duper and popped into Walgreens to get the baby thermometer - the last remaining item on our list of things to get for the delivery.
 |
| Morning of the birth. I happen to take a picture of my ripe belly. |
Wednesday. My friend D was flying in to visit from Hong Kong. I had just gotten my driver’s license 5 days prior and was not ready to drive all the way to the airport on my own. So we agreed that she'd take the BART to the Oakland downtown station where I'd pick her up. I used the morning to prep her room and “nest” a bit more. I emailed Tenaya, the midwife with whom I was renting my birthing tub from to arrange delivery that coming weekend. I wrote on my blog and had some lunch.
At 1pm D texted to tell me she had landed. I told her to text again when she was on the BART. I decided that I probably had a good hour before I had to go pick her up, so I went to lie down. It was about 130pm when I heard a pop. It took me by complete surprise. Oh no oh no oh no... Was my immediate reaction. I sat up and looked between my legs... wasn’t there supposed to be gushing liquid? Couldn’t be my water breaking... Just then I felt an immense amount of pressure around my cervix. The pain subsided rather quickly and I got up and went to the bathroom. It was still hurting as I tried to pee, I wanted to pee, but couldn't. Eventually I peed a bit. When I looked in the toilet there was some pinkish color amid some substance I assumed to be my mucus plug. I knew for sure that this was it.
I paged the emergency number for my midwives, called my husband and texted my girlfriend. Our midwife Nancy called me back and I told her what had happened and she told me to put on a pad and lie down again for 20 minutes, after which I should get up, dance around, and see how much liquid the pad soaked up. I did as told. A friend in New York happened to call and I excitedly told her that my water just broke. I was laughing and telling her that I couldn’t believe this was all happening already. I checked my email on my phone and got an email from Tenaya saying she could deliver the tub that evening if I wanted, I replied and told her that was probably a good idea as I thought my water had broke!
When I got up and pulled my pants down to check my pad a steady flow of liquid streamed out of me. I ran to the bathroom in attempt to stop the amniotic fluid from getting everywhere. I called Nancy back and told her what had happened. She asked me if I was having contractions yet, and I told her I thought I was but that they weren't intense, and there was no noticeable pattern yet. She told me to call her back when they got more regular or when they were following the 411 pattern (4 minutes in between, lasting 1 minute for 1 hour). I had been so curious to feel an actual contraction. The first real noticeable one felt like–well like my uterus contracting. I even said out loud to my dog, “So this is what it feels like!”
My contractions quickly started getting more intense. I was on my hands and knees on the floor and then had to lean on the bed and breathe through them. I noticed that they were getting more regular so I decided to start timing them. The first one I started timing lasted over a minute. Within 12 minutes I had 4 contractions. Things were moving quickly. I called Nancy again and had a contraction while on the phone with her. This one wasn't as strong so I was able to talk through it. She told me they were wrapping up a meeting and they'd be coming over after. She told me I was doing great and to keep breathing through the contractions. This was at 2:30–an hour after my water had broken–active labor was in full swing.
In the next 20 minutes things started getting really intense. The contractions were coming on so strongly that I needed to yell out in pain through them. I don't really remember what I did, I think I may have tried some different poses to labor in, but nothing was cutting me any slack. At 2:50pm R called me as I was having a contraction and I had to drop the phone and yell out in pain. At 2:52pm I called Nancy and all I could muster was "there's no breaks". And there weren't any, the contractions were hitting one after the next. I was being slammed down repeatedly by wave after wave, unable to come up for air. Nancy assured me they were on their way and instructed me to get in the shower while I waited for them.
I crawled my way into the bathroom, I was slow getting there. My dog watched and sniffed me as I writhed and screamed the long 15-20ft to the bathroom. I tried to sit on the toilet, remembering that lots of women like to labor there. I did not. It was not helping me at all. Sitting there it suddenly came to my mind that if I were in a hospital and someone offered me drugs that I would take them in a heartbeat. It hurt. It hurt like all hell. This was not what I had expected. I thought to myself that there was no way in hell that I’d ever to this again. One child would just have to do.
I peeled my clothes off and crawled into the shower. But the shower wasn't helping either. What happened to the soothing effects of warm water? Why was nothing helping me? I tried getting into different positions on the shower floor. Nothing felt good, nothing eased the pain.
R and D got home soon after 3. They found me screaming in the shower. I could hardly speak, but wanted to get out of the shower since it wasn't helping. It was such a struggle to simply relay this request to my husband. But I did and he helped me crawl on to the bathroom floor where he covered me in my bathrobe as I lay on my side screaming through the contractions. R sat next to me trying to relax me. I tried to get on hands and knees but my arms got too shaky. So I lay back down. I was scared. Everything was happening so rapidly. I was relieved that R was home now but I wanted, needed, the midwives. R assured me they'd be here soon.
The midwives arrived and seeing Nancy's face was a huge relief, she got down on the floor so that she could be eye level with me when she spoke to me. She encouraged me to make my screams low pitch, she held my hand. I felt safe as soon as she got there. I remember looking at her, with probably utter terror on my face, and telling her that it really hurt. And she looked at me with complete empathy and said, "I know it does, you're doing great". They stayed with me and encouraged me during the contractions. Having the support around me gave me strength. I was in the thick of it, and there was no backing out. I knew the only way to move was forward. I thought of my grandmothers and all the women before me who had walked this path. I asked them for strength. I prayed. Something which I wasn't expecting to do. But I sought God out like I never have before. At one point I started yelling "yes". I knew I had to welcome the contractions to let my body open and saying yes prevented my mind from recoiling away in fear. Everyone said yes with me.
Nancy told me she was going to do an internal exam. And when she did it hurt so much I screamed out. She did it quickly–I was 9 centimeters dilated. During one of my contractions she asked me if I was bearing down, but I didn't know. She said it looked like I was ready to push. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't even 2 hours since my water broke. She and Sasha, the apprentice midwife, prepped our bed and told us to make our way over to the bed. I began to crawl over with R, stopping each time a contraction took hold of my body. We got on the bed and again I tried all fours but again it wasn't helping so I got on my back.
The breaks between my contractions got longer, which is normal during the pushing stage. The breaks were much welcomed and I let myself fully rest in between the pushing. When a contraction came I could feel it beginning at the top of my uterus and rippling down, I pushed with each one. The contractions were different from how they were previously. At first I was vocalizing a lot, but Nancy told me to use that energy to bear down. My sounds became low pitched deep rumbles and roars. It took every ounce of energy I had to push. I kept thinking about the baby, talking to him in my mind that we could do this together. Thinking about him made me stay calm, I didn't want my fear or panic to adversely affect him. I knew that a stressed mama made a stressed baby. I kept my eyes closed the entire time to stay focused within. At the same time I was acutely aware of everything happening around me. I remember Nancy on the phone with Tenaya, who also turned out to be the assissting midwife. Nancy told her to forget the tub - there was so time. At some point Tenaya came over but as I had my eyes shut the whole time I didn’t actually see her till after the birth.
I wanted to lie on my side but each time I was the baby’s heart rate went down, so I had to remain on my back. I kept a tight fist pressed against my sacrum as I just needed to have pressure there. My other hand would thrust down on the top of my thigh with each push. I was so overcome by the intensity of the experience that I couldn’t relax my legs open, I kept wanting to draw my knees together, especially when the urge to push came upon me. Nancy advised me to push my foot into her thigh, that helped a lot. I think my other leg was pushing against Sasha but I’m not sure. On the one hand I was scared and wanted to retreat and not push so hard but on the other I knew that this was it and that the only way for it to end was for the baby to come out, so with each contraction I revved up all the energy I had and pushed as hard as I could, visualizing the baby moving down. I considered getting up and squatting to let gravity aid in the baby’s descent. But the thought of moving again seemed a highly improbable feat. So I stayed as I was. In between the contractions I fully rested, while R dabbed my forehead with a cold towel.
I pushed for an hour and a half. I simply cannot express how amazing Nancy and Sasha were. With each push, they’d say, “Yes Nicola, that’s the way, you’re doing great”, or “You moved that baby down so much with that push, amazing!” At one point Nancy asked me if I wanted to reach in and touch the baby’s head, I shook my head. For some reason at that moment I just couldn’t do anything other than what I was already doing. When I could actually feel the baby in the birth canal I knew I was close. I was prepping myself for the “ring of fire” sensation for when the baby crowns. I tried using our birthing class instructor’s mantra of “ring of water” in effort to soften the sensation. I can only describe those last moments as super intense. You don’t feel the baby in your uterus, but you feel it in your vagina, every bump and curve of its body. My pushing became more intense, I wanted the baby out and I didn’t care if I pooped or tore, I was actually pretty sure that I would tear, I was just going to push like crazy. I felt the crowning and had to wait for another contraction to push again, it might have taken one or two more contractions to get him out, I can’t remember. I thought once the head was out he would just slide out but pushing the body out hurt too.
 |
| Saying our first hellos. |
But then, right before 5pm, he was out. And I heard his cry and everything–all the pain, all that intensity just vanished. There was a baby on my chest covered in the cheesy vernix. I finally got to meet the little person I’d been holding inside all these months. He was so tiny, so precious. It was several moments till I realized I still didn’t know if he was a girl or boy so I asked the midwives. They said I should check, so I did. Our gut instincts had been right all along, we had a son.
Everything after that was simply blissful. I had to birth the placenta which took no more than a mini push and a cough. We were given alone time with our baby boy. We held him and stared at him in amazement. I brought him to my nipple and he found his first latch. Nancy and Sasha came in and checked me. I had a one inch laceration on my labia, I had a few stitches. But my perineum was intact. R cut the cord. They did all the baby checks. Sasha guided me to my first pee (kinda hard to do after giving birth). They stayed maybe 3 hours after making sure we were all okay.
 |
| Skin-to-skin bonding with Dad. |
It’s been 12 weeks already since that magical day. The amnesia that follows is pretty amazing. I don’t recall the pain anymore, just my reaction to the pain. I know at the time I vowed never to do it again. But I know now that I would definitely do it all over again. I am so grateful that I was able to have a home birth. Even if it wasn’t the one I had envisioned it to be. It was still the most amazing experience of my life. I’m also so grateful that I didn’t have the temptation of pain medication and that I had the support around me that I did.
I came across this from the article The Transcendent Quality of Pain in Childbirth by Karen Fisk from our birthing class handouts:
...pain researcher David Bakan, suggests that labor pain is necessary as the only thing "that can make tolerable the otherwise intolerable separation of ... a woman from her baby." David Bakan, Disease Pain, and Sacrifice: Toward a Psychology of Suffering (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1968).
 |
| Snuggling up for our first night together. |
It rings so true for me. I had thought that I’d miss having the baby be part of me. That having him be a separate entity from me would be somewhat heartbreaking. But the experience of labor was the exact transition that I needed from being a pregnant woman to becoming a mother. I am in awe of the power of nature and its innate wisdom.
The past three months have been a whirlwind of amazement, joy, desperation and exhaustion. I’ll say it flat out - it ain’t easy! But I truly believe that the process of labor and birth is our rite of passage as women to become the fearless warriors that we need to be to mother our children.
Lastly, a few words on my partner. I spent a lot of time in my pregnancy freaking out over whether or not he would know what to do during labor. He had barely touched The Birthing Partner that’d I’d given him early on in the pregnancy. But he absolutely came through for me. And I feel so blessed that we were able to share this experience together. From the beginning he trusted me to go the home birth route, despite his initial reservations. All along he supported my choices and wanted me to have the birth I wanted. He came with me to the prenatal partners class and the home birthing classes. And at the birth he was amazing. Post birth too, truly caring for me and the baby. Nothing has ever bonded us or made us closer.
